Whispers of the Dead

Hey Folks, just written a new piece. Not as good as my "Ramblings of the Human Machine" which somehow got lost, much to my disgust. Anyway, hopefully, I am making amends with this new one.

Coming into my parlour? asked the spider to the fly.

And thus I began my descent, as I drown in the abysmal depths of the well of lost souls. In the burning pits of endless anguish and merciless continuation. Its the genius of the hole. no matter how hard you try or how long you take to climb out of it, you can always fall back down in an blinding instant.

My senses were scorched like the surface of Venus. My heart bleeds like the mortal wounds of julius ceaser. My mind haunted like the dilapidated mansions of ghosts long forgotten. My soul, parched like the unforgiving, drying deserts of the Sahara!

Sad.

The nonchalance of my neolithic ignorance grips me in its self-destructive vise. The torrent of abuse rains upon me like ceaseless raindrops of a relentless thunderstorm. Death hangs over me like a shadow in eternal sunlight.

The expedient nature of MAN points a crooked finger at the inevitable truth. Of humanity that has lost its morality and terribly ignorant of it. Insanity converses with them, like whispers of the dead, prodding and plotting. The proliferation of immorality seeks to corrupt. Like growing coffee stain on a pristine white table cloth. The undying spirit of MAN in his death throes, plagued by a virulent disease.

Help.

For words have failed me. Irrepressible regret of past deeds done and undone, fill me.

Save me.

For I dream the dreams of the hopeless and cry the tears of the helpless. And await the fate of fallen angels.

****

My fingers claw at my face hoping to draw out the tears but only blood seeps out in trickles. Painting a hideous picture on the immaculate mirror.

In the darkness of a room. The pendulum swings. Heavy burdensome oscillations, heaving a great blade. A blade sharper than the rarest of diamonds yet as rusty as an ancient broadsword of a forgotten age, left to the whims of nature.

I stray towards it, oblivious to it all, unable to resist the dangerous allure. Like Russian Roulette toyed by Asian fingers. My vision blurs and I stumble. My blood streaked face warms my face and yet its frighteningly cold. My body shivers and everything goes numb. I fall and feel nothing. Motionless and oblivious. Oblivious that my weakness has prolonged my existence. The irony, twisted and gnarled, like a deformed tree. The pendulum continues to swing and I close my eyes shut. The cold creeping slowly to my weakly palpitating heart. Icy mists threatening to snuff out a weak fire which dances precariously on the edge.

Any moment now. It could be the last. Any breath now.

Fatality looming over my weak form. I can almost see it through my closed eyes. The devil's smile as he waits patiently. He sits in his black throne beside me. Observing my insipid struggle. Relishing in my hopelessness. Feeding on my misery.


And then its all over. It all became still. As deathly still as it can be....

I hope you enjoyed it. Or at least despaired over it. I know its crappy. BUt hey, nothing alil doom to cheer you up eh?

Blackout

Well today was the first of firsts in my history with singapore to witness the blackout that i have just witnessed. For almost 2 hours, The street lights were out. I don't need to mention the electricity in the HDB blocks do i?

Basically I managed to return Hardkore's FFI form and gotten mine back. After waiting 3 whole hrs from him. Apparently his grandma collapsed and he had to rush to the hospital. So I guess I have to blame my dumb luck for waiting like a fool. Well at least, I accomplished the mission by getting the form back. So now I can get my pink ic without any hiccups tommorrow. Hopefully.

Came back home and set off for a run. I only lasted 5 km, 2 sets of 6 pullups, 30 situps and 6 dips before calling it quits. Its kinda depressing, i have lost much form and my extra weight was more dead weight than extra meat. The only good thing I can derive from this thing is that i have commenced the regime. Hopefully, I can yield better results in the days to come. But right now, completing that year end marathon is a dream way out of my grasp.

And then, there was the blackout...

Bladdick sniffs trouble. Or maybe its juz sumthin burning in the kitchen.... 

The Official Picture has been released. For now I shalt adopt the persona of Bladdick! Till the hair and mustache grow back of course... 

The Hopes of Men rests on the shoulders of Angels.....

NewsFlash: FOLKS, I am bald and devoid of the very mustache that made me famous.

LoLz! I wanted to scared my dear bro Sherm the Mann at first on Fri, but it din materialise because we postponed our meeting date to Sat. So I trundled along and met up Johnny instead near my previous residence, BLK 621. Rudely shocked he was. Its been half a year since i have seen him and we decided to lunch at the Mee Pok stall opposite XinMin Sec.

We talked about alot of issues. The now shattered "Queens Army", ORD, NUS (SMU for him) and most importantly, his take on the gang. The most striking thing he mentioned was the "Silent Pillar" attitude towards friends. He was telling me when you have known a friend for some time and he does not respond to you the way he used to, its not exactly right to shun him. Johnny does not like how FRIEND "X" turned out. He feels that the bugger has changed into something that is compromising the relationship. Somehow I do not feel the bad vibes. But then again, the Modus operandi was frighteningly similar to the Sherm has to Wilson. And sadly me to Faiz and to some extent Ling.

Back to the "Silent Pillar" theory, Johnny however feels that being there when nian needs him and not complaining about the deterioration of the friendship would have been the wisest course. Somehow as a person who looks for reasons and logic, it kinda slipped me that sometimes being friends is reason itself. I have to admit being ashamed about letting that one slip by. I have to also admit that perhaps it is a viable course of action and might save the relationship afterall. Sooner or later, the other party will realise that the friend is worth keeping after all. Or maybe not. The intricacies of Life. It was never Black or White since adolescence. And its not going to change anytime soon.

Saturday. Definitely a good day. Met up Shermuunn and gave a scare as well. We ate the beryani i bought in Lil India and proceeded to suntec to meet up with our Mangamma jacques. Once again, despite my tenacious and largely vain efforts to keep her off my mind and play down the effect she has on me, she is just..... it cannot be described with mere words. WoW! You are so beautiful!

*shakes himself* Anyway the job there was to support Gollie Mollie, my mildly eccentric and largely quirky "bro" With the coveted hand-actions that can kill one particular individual without even touching him. You know who you are.... LOLZ!

Too bad she did not get into IDOL. To me its just another farce. The real battle, I felt lay in a running race like a marathon. Not some over-rated tv show. Besides, Gollie Mollie does have other gigs going for her and i did not see much disappointment in her. Only the mangamma was alil put off that her sis din make it. Not to mention another certain individual as well.... the you-know-who... LoLz!

Next stop Queensway. Quite a fitting venue to go to with 2 queens on tow with the famous Timon and Pumba. The Job: To get a new pair of running shoes for the ladies. Coincidentally, Gollie got the same pair of asics me and shermie got cept in orange. Ling, being the loving tyrant sister that she is, "demanded" that they share the shoes. LOLZ! Kinda reminded me of myself when I "demanded" that my bro lend me his NikeSphere Tee.

We had dinner at burgerking at anchorpoint, sometime after the cute grphug we had. LOLZ! Will always remember that one. The day pretty much ended when we made a mini exodus to queensway mrt after dinner. A day well spent. Sad that it ended and wonderment at the next time. But I guess I shld do myself a favour and not bother myself with "could-be"s. Will let time tell and shermann work the magic wand of his and see what he can conjure up in the near future. For my part, I will do my own things, like for example enjoy the "Complete Poetry of Edgar Allan Poe" that I recently bought.

Sunday. Nothing much except my family did the fish tanks again. But the most important part came when Sherm gave the heads up that the oversized bean bag was trying to crawl back to Faiz after an apparent fall-out of sorts. On his blog, I saw her reply of "no baby. it's not doomed. hang on. and get use." Get used to it??? The nerve... I guess its about time, the Rogues decide to break the unholy cease fire and unleash some firepower to knock out that whaledon...

Our replies were

Shermann:
Someone has to be the bad guy and say this, so i'll juz do it, coz i hate to beat arnd the bush. If at the end of the day u're always so unhappy and depressed, then bugger out of the whole thing.
If u're gonna haf to force urself to do so many things juz to satisfy another, correct me if im wrong, but then it becomes pointless. Day in, day out ur an emtional wreck. For what? Shez happy but u're not. sooner than later, itz gonna happen. Sorry to say.
If itz not in your nature to respond to certain issues the way she wants u to, then perphaps the script was written for the wrong actors. Im not saying anyone is at fault. Itz like Robert De Niro playing Spiderman. A brillant actor, but juz not suitable. And would be a hit in another movie.
think about it. But more imptly, think about urself. Because YOU are already half the relationship. If u dun feel happy, like i say, life definitely does not end there. If not life would have ended the last time u broke up with someone u thot u loved or used to think u luved.
Caviar and cheesburgers juz dun go. Try forcing it down and u'll end up with an upset stomach. think about it.

Deliverer of Facts.

Mine:
Bad Company on the line:
"
My dearest brother. Sorry to say but you have been a fool all this while. And crawling up to that hideous 2 headed fish beast of aberdeen will give you the "100% guaranteed fool of the universe" award hands down. A man in the
truest sense is not just a well oiled "12 cylinder symphony" of a sex machine. In our current order of modern existence, is a man who is a sensitive, self sufficient, assured and confident human being. Able to function with the exact knowledge of what he wants in life. I know it sounds a tad perfect but striving towards that goal has already won you most of the battle. having a female companion who can allow you to grow and improve is a bonus.

Don't be Mr Lard and Foul Smelling Fat Shit of the Century. Be M.Faiz. The man. Live your own life, do your own things and don't throw away the people who love you for who you are but sadly neglected because your vision is knowingly blocked by a rather large object infront of the windscreen. Think of advancement in life and don't accept scraps off the table. We are no longer irresponsible adolescents of yesteryear. We are responsible adults of the present and leaders of tomorrow. Nobody wants to follow someone who cannot think for himself, unable to consider sane suggestions and being the pawn of devious individuals. Let it be your colleagues, the grunts in NS or even your children.

Appreciate those around you who concurrently mean well for you as well. You will never be able to identify these people if you don't even know what you want for yourself. Being mature is about being to see the bigger picture and forming a appropriate course of action.

Furthermore, don't be another typical MAT, fathering numerous kids, barely able to pay for the rent and installments of the house and furniture and barely making through to the next month due to a poor salary and overwhelming expenses. Think of your future and know that the decisions you make now will affect the kinda future that you will eventually lead.

A simple analogy would be my theory of clay. A piece of clay can be moulded in the early stages when its soft. No use knocking it into shape in the later stages when its already hard and brittle. It would just break instead. Don't regret life when it reaches that stage. Don't be the very person you hate so much to be. Think about yourself and the future you want to lead. FOR ONCE be afraid for yourself. Talk to your parents about your future and learn from them the facets of life. Nobody knows LIFE and YOU better than your parents.

Lastly, when things around you fail and you cannot improvise. Fall back to the basics. Rely on the people who have never failed you before. Good medicine is always bitter at first. If you cannot take the criticism, you will never enjoy the later success. Decide what you want first... Enjoy first and suffer later or Suffer first and enjoy later knowing there will be no more worries. Your Choice.

Nobody lives your life for you. Only M.Faiz can. He has the power to create a wonderful life or sink you into merciless oblivious destruction of self. The choice is yours...."

I hope faiz reads em and gets a wake up call. Most importantly change himself for the better. Hez already a wreck before the term "Emotional" came about. I hope things can turn out better. There's a fighting chance good friends can become closer. And fallen brothers can come back into the fold. Only Time will tell....

The Hopes of Men rests on the shoulders of Angels.....

Back form the Holz!

After a miserable last week doing clearance and spending close to $35 for 8 days on travelling alone, I got a worthy respite in the form of a holiday to Penang. Thank God!

On 190604 (Father's Day) @ 2130 hours, My family and I boarded took a 12hours coach ride to the island of Penang. Never knew much about the island except that it is as rundown and colonial Malya looking as it can get and that it was founded by this dude called Sir Francis Light, the Sir Stamford Raffles equivalent for Penang.

We stayed at this hotel called Sunway and dined mostly on Penang's famous Nasi kandar during our time there. Nothing too fancy took place there. Did some shopping and I fulfilled my vows at this famous temple in Penang called the WATERFALL TEMPLE. Somehow, it seemed like a coincidence that we seem to have caught a last glimpse of the old temple before it gets torn down to be renovated into a new one. The renovations will start at the end of this year. Interesting!

I managed to restock my wardrobe by making a few buys. 2 new pairs of EDWIN jeans, 2 Adidas t-shirts, 2 Fila t-shirts and a Puma Track pants. Brilliant! Not to mention getiing the Metallica Black Album (which was very good by the way) and 5 pirated dvd movies (Riddick, Potter 2 and 3, Rush Hour 1 and 2).

However, the Rest I got in Penang was priceless. Peaceful and quiet. No pain, only the soothing bliss of a steam bath and good food. Though I missed a chunk of Euro Action, I guess I came back in time to catch the quarters! Portugal vs England! What a treat!

I also took stock of my wardrobe. Threw out some and did alittle stock taking myself.

I have about 20 Tees and Shirts and 4 pairs of Jeans. Not to mention a couple of track pants. I guess I am quite done for my wardrobe. I will probably need a pair of street soccer shoes to complete it. But that can wait as well.

Enough about material stuff. It was good to be back in Sunny Singapore I guess. I always learn that no matter where I go, I always will miss home. Its where my friends are. Its where my life is. Start till now.

I called Jonathan once I came back. He is definitely one to wake early. He may be young and look boyish but the fella has the habits of an old man. Haha! Told him I was back, though I kinda dreaded the phone call to him. The last time I called back from overseas, (which was taiwan) he told me one of our track juniors, Jeremiah had passed away. Took his life in fact. Fortunately, no such news this time. I told him we needed to meet up. Its been a damn long while since we had a chat and breakfast @ Han's at 8am in the morning or going for a jog and resting our bones at either hougang or serangoon stadium. Missed those times when we had time on our hands.

Next up, an sms to my bro Shermann the Serpant divine, Lord of the Fertilty Gods. I half expected him to tell me his gorey adventures at the local orgies whilst I was gone and hint how much of a boring freak I am and will ever be.... LOLZ!

Sadly no, The dude got wasted during a Linkin Park concert and now lies on his bed with a 7day MC on his bedside. Poor fella, he even told me he found it challenging to go take a leak. Anyway, I will be making my "journey to the west" to assess the fella and get him out for some fresh air. Hard to do that when u are in air polluted jurong but better than being stuck in your place. Been awhile since I have seen him as well. It may not be long to most out there, but to me and my bro, its long enough.

Got an sms from Devan as well asking me whether I wanted to go try rock climbing today. Although I always wanted to give rock climbling a try, it slips by me time and again. And today it was a similar case. Just came back form the trip, got loads of unpacking to do. Sorry mate...

Caught up on Faiz's life through his blog. Same old sad shithead, full of slime and grime in his logic circuits. His gf is ill treating him and he aint liking. I can almost foresee thise one. In a couple of days time, he will glue on back to her when she comes crawling back, her pussy getting itchy. God what a sick cycle and I am getting sick of it. Makes me rethink about the chat sherm and me proposed we have with him. Beginning to wonder it will do any good to anyone.

Things for me are starting to look good. I finished reading the book "Druss the Legend" by David Gemmell during my stay in Penang. At least my reading is back on track. I have set an alarm to wake me in the morn to attempt a jog. I had weighed myself recently and its a whopping 65kilos. I definitely need to shed the weight before i balloon into something I detest the most. And running is definitely it! Tomorrow I will commence the process then.

At the wrong end of the bargain

Gd news for the younger generations of Singapore! NS has been officially cut down to 2 years! Me? I will ORD on June 30 instead of the usual Aug 4.

Good news for me??

On the contrary... Its dismal news!!

Frankly it does not benefit me much. Yeah sure I will get my pink ic earlier than expected. That's about the only good news I can possibly get from this new turn of events!

First up, I will not get 2 months pay that I would have gotten if the prior arrangement had stayed. That's a bleeding $1100!!! Now i get nuts! Not only that, At least 4 weeks worth of leave and 9 days off have been burnt off. All these months I have saved up my leave so I could enjoy them. Now thanks to this new law passed at the worst possible time!

If the ruling had been passed 2 months earlier, I would have been able to start clearing leave as early as late may. I could have saved all those expenses travelling to pasir laba and back. If it had been passed 2 months later, then news would have been indifferent to me cuz at least my pay would not have been cheated away from me. And my leave will mostly definitely achieve its true worth. Dismal indeed! What a fitting end to my "illustrious" NS life! Furthermore, the july pay was going to be the only 1 month's pay that I would be able to keep for myself! Its all gone now!

It sucks big time!

Even now, i am getting ready to go back to my mother unit's camp for some frigging CO talk! The unit which I have given everything to and gotten nothing in return! No glory in that! Even our Atec, we got a disappointing 2B. Yeah its a pass! But c'mon... all that hype for a 2B! F**ked up!

Now my plans to get a new PC and 7200 hp has gone down the gutters! Its all a big question mark now. Work will also be tough to get! Nobody wants to hire you for 1 mth even if its part-time!

SUCKS MAN!!!!

My mu was trying to cheer me up yesterday. It kinda failed. I still feel shitty. She told me to keep the faith and to try other means. Maybe what she said might register after awhile when I have cooled down and attempt to think of solutions. Frankly speaking, there's nothing I can do now. I got to do my clearance this week. Then there's the penang trip nex week. More expenses... My hands are tied.... Can't help but feel like faiz. Or at least my version of what he should be feeling about his miserable and pathetic excuse of an existence! LOLZ!

Feel like Rambo actually, in Rambo 2 when he told the vietnamese contact that he was with that he was Expendable....

Somehow... at the wrong end of the bargain!

Audio pleasure: "Get me outta here" by JET

Lazy Monday....

Alil recap on the past day, 11 minutes into a brand new tuesday!

It was one of those days when I woke up during midday, when I was supposed to be somewhere. More importantly, that "somewhere" was camp. Haha! No worries! It is technically an OFF day from Pasir laba camp for me to go to Bukit Panjang camp to do clearance. Kinda wasted that I did not get anything done on Monday.

Stayed home, watched tv (Mainly watched the LA Lakers ve Detroit Pistons game 3 and COBRA starring slyvester stallone), did some laundry and helped mum pack for the upcoming family holiday to Penang!

I guess I had more action on Sunday, though basically I was still mostly at home. Cleaned up the fish tanks (2 of them), Cleaned up the house (Sweep and Mop operation) and went to the temple in the evening!

I guess it would do me some good to get out more often. But going out only means expenses. Taking the train to someplace will cost me 2 bux. A meal at KFC would be 5 bux. Movies with popcorn and stuff will be at least $13 to $15. With Cable vision being recently installed at my place and Euro 04 that's taking place now, there's all the more reason to stay home.

*sigh*

I have to go back to Pasir Laba later on today. Hand over the bunks. The bedsheets. Go to the Med ctr to get my FFI done. And hopefully, if there's time, maybe go down to Camp 5sir to do abit of clearance.

*yawn*

Sleepy. There's a Italy vs denmark match going on and I can only wonder whether i can last through.

A return to the Solo in Me!

Today was a bittersweet day. Its the last day in my active service that I carried my fully loaded duffel bag from one place to another. Specifically, from Pasir Laba to Home. It marks the imminent end to NS. As I lugged the "Ali Baba bag 'o' wonders" out of my bunk, I shouted ORD LOH! Nobody was there to hear of course. The camp was deserted as it was the bloody weekend. But hey, it was mainly meant to be heard by my own ears...

Sweet: It marks the imminent end of NS.

Bitter?: Yeah, An end to the now "gd old days" in the Army. All the Chiong-sua, Cluster-f**ks, canteen breaks, suffering in the outfield with the rain and mosquitos and dirty underwear. Sleepless nights and combat rations. I guess the Army has made me mature into the Man i am. Before that, I was an ignorant and ungrateful boy caught up in his own nerdish ways. Look at me now? I am still insufferable, but at least with a tinge of maturity! Hahaha! I know I will miss those days when I am mugging for exams, dealing with bimbos and getting caught up with overloaded homework.... cuz I had none of those in Camp. It was a simple life. Do your job, get paid and be abused by the system. But c'mon, name me one forgiving and accomodating system in the civilian Singaporean Life??

I have to clear the duffel bag and the contents in it. Its not totally over yet. I have to do clearance next week in both camps. Its the 2nd last act of Ns. The last being the act to collect by pink NRIC, presumed lost in the past 2 years but now it has surfaced and within reach. But someone told me, "you gonna have the pink ic till u die....watz the rush?" Yeah, watz the rus about anyway? Its not gonna run away. But If i don't savour these last few days of NS, THEY will run away and be lost forever...

My thoughts now go back to last night's sms conversation with Shermann. Its disturbing to some extent. Do we have to be loved in order to love back? In Shermann's case thatz a definite NO. I knew that way before i started the conversation.

Before I go on... I need to do some analysis on my brother, Shermann the man.

Knew him almost half my life. Since I was 12 and now I am close to 21. And there's one thing I know about him is that the man loves his woman unconditionally! Once his heart is set on her, his mind is automatically tuned likewise. If armageddon ever struck our sunny planet, I know my brother will be there holding his woman's hand and telling her he loves her! Quite romantic actually, almost brought a tear to me eye....serious.

Incidents? Too many to tell when he was with the whale and nette. And the most recent being known lovingly by me as "The Horfun Incident". LOLZ! Ok la... i admit i still am alil sore about that but hey I am all A ok with it. Its in his nature and I had broken my own laws on that day as well.

Rule No. 3: Stay away from the Love machine when he is with his woman. CAUTION: He may not be himself sometimes and may transform into Mr Hyde! LOLZ!

Ok seriously, I have no right to tell him what's right or wrong in these kind of matters. How you love someone is entirely up to you. Each has his own ways. Living in your own fantasy world and worshipping HER when she does not know a microbe about it is totally fine. It reflects sincerity and true love. Almost undying. I use the word "alomst" cuz i know its too early in the game to make anything absolutely certain.

Anyway I admire him for that. Because I can never bring myself to that level. In life, I always needed a reason. To fight, to forgive, to dislike, to give in, to apologise, to forget and yes ultimately even to love. To me Love does not happen. Its almost a decision. The feelings leading to love HAPPENS. But what one does about them is entirely up to the individual.

Everything in life is 2 way. Everything is in balance. The Good and the Bad. Too much of a Good thing can turn Bad and the cycle restarts. Too much of a Bad thing brings out the good in many and the cycle restarts again. The checks and balances in life placed by God is almost impeccable. The only flaw in his plan is Man and his free will. How Man percieves life is how he sees it. That's why Man is mortal and never will be satisfied. Because the flaws they have are brought on by themselves.

So using the 2-way theory, I cannot really love anyone fully until the person shows some in return. It makes the cause worthy. Its not about getting and returning favours. Its more than that! Its growing together as people.

That's how friends become lovers. The strength lies in the assurity of the whole relationship. Why bother when the other cannot even be a decent friend. Why bother being over-enthusiastic about something that she does when you know that's all you are going to get and you have to be satisfied about it. Where's the growth? I see it as stagnation.

Soon, the person will turn bitter, no matter how great the love is. It will just wither and die like a flower starved of water. I might as well frame up the feelings i have and just let it hang there and nature take its course. If its meant to be, something will happen to make me take down the frame and do something about it. Till then it will be there, forever framed as fond memories.

Maybe i see this whole affair as a matter of practicality. Its just how I do things. That's maybe why I am still single. Not that I don't have the capacity to love. I want to know whether its worth it before I go full swing in it. I don't want to get hurt for nothing. I would rather keep my shield up and be belliigerent about the whole affair.

I guess I know why some of my female friends told me that I will make a good husband but a bloody bad boyfriend. I am just an insufferable bastard devoid of ways and means to love someone unconditionally. Its just who I am. Prak. The Solo in me. Always looking for reasons.

PAYDAY+1

Some of u you folks might wonder what in the blazing hells is Payday+1??

I was just following an old world war term when Allied soldiers referred to a particular day after D-Day as D-day+"some number".... like a 2 days after D-Day is known as D-Day+2. That's a mouthful...

Anyway back to the matter at hand... I find myself at a sickeningly familiar situation on every PayDay+1... I got 150 bux in my account and 10 at hand... 400 to family, 50 to ezlink. That's almost 1 month pay already. Thank God my dad returned the 100 he owed me with which i had bought a couple of vcds, "The battle for everything" album by Five for Fighting and food for the whole week amounting 25bux.

My financial situation always sucks. I guess it should be when you are living in a middle class family. It irritates me that with almost 2 months to go with my NS ending, my family still has to take money from me. Its not that I mind contributing, but half my pay? I had no grounds to save any for myself. And its almost suspect of how i am going to survive when NS ends.

My mum told me today that I had been over using my HP's sms usage and I blew back at her that its my money and that she need not worry. Isn't 300 bux a month more than enuf to cover my hp bills that dun amt to more than a 100 bux?? My exact words were " Don't worry... its my money and u are not the one paying for it" I actually regret saying that...

Its not her fault that I had to contribute 300bux a month to the family. Neither is it any of my other family member's fault. I almost felt like opening my prayer room and screaming at GOD... But I can't. Its one of the imperfections of Man. God created Man to be imperfect. To be flawed in some way and be mortal. If not, there would be no need for Man to pray to Gods.

I understand it perfectly. I am flawed in some ways. Financial status and feeling pangs of envy and shittiness when seeing couples. But I have to appreciate that I have solid parents, a younger brother whose more of a friend and ally, and another brother, Shermann, though not of my kin by blood but very much so in all other ways possible. I am in good health and a good future ahead with a place in Nus and all. In fact I am almost there... I cannot let material things like a little lack of money get in the way of my character. I am above all that....

Went out with Sherm today to watch Harry Potter. Yes Harry Potter. Hahaha! To think I actually disliked the show for being kiddy when i have never even watched it. I thought the same about star trek and look at me now. Watching anything Star Trek now... Not that i am any less a Star Wars fan. Star Wars will always be No.1 in my interests...

Anyway the Potter show was good. Hermione was cute and the Weasley bugger was as well... Gotta admit... I have taken an interest in Potter and might want to get the books to read in the near future.

Sherm seems to be on Cloud "sixty"9 (Pardon the pun...LoLz) But no guesses required as to why. Bugger is in Jini Land. To mention a little time with the squirt can send him sky high is worth a chuckle... All the best to him! he deserves it! I guess the same can't be said about me. Seeing jack on saturday did not exactly give the usual week long thrills in LaLa land. In fact, it pissed me even more. I guess I still cannot "appreciate" her ability to treat friends like business partners. I guess that was why I did not bother to reply to her job offer to be a slave-for-1600bux/mth-to-kollywood-stars. She smsed me on wednesday and i just chucked my hp in my shoe cabinet of my bunk and continued to sleep through my lunch break.

"WOW YOUR HANDPHONE ACTUALLY WORKS...YOU HAVE MSGED ME WITHOUT ONE FROM ME?"

No regrets.... In fact, my decision to stay away from her will save her from some of the ghastly medieval acts i am planning to inflict upon her!!! I am taking a break.... I am sick and tired actually...

I guess my affair with the jack has brought another relevation.... I have no female friends. Well I have some but they are all studying in Aus. Just my arse luck, (black, hairy and all). I guess its about time I got out to see the world. My lack of exposure has narrowed my vision for so long that I had actually put up with the Jack's nonsense for so long and thought that the fault had been mine. Well done Prak.... Love is blind and I am a qualified blind man of 89 years because of it....

What's more frustrating is that no matter what i have said (and felt), I still have feelings for the bloody mangamma. So much so that I had once blurted out loud in the dark and lonely streets of hougang avenue 10 at 0550hrs "Why are you doing this to me???" as I made my way to the MRT station near Hougang Mall. Too many thoughts and very little action.

I need to rectify this. All the more reason for the break. Hole myself in my trenches and do my own stuff. I guess I have sunk into a phase of slackdom. I have stopped reading and running. And my writing came to a standstill after I lost my "ramblings of a human machine" piece.

GOD THAT'S FRUSTRATING!!!!!

I guess I have to pick up the pieces around me and start patching back my life back together. To start reading, writing and running. The three most important aspects of my private life. Thank God at least for the 5 week block leave coming up. Not to mention the Penang trip. Hopefully things will pick up and that I can get a job as well, to get some extra "cha-chink" before my parlay into NUS.

D-DAY+1, new resoultions, new decisions, new outlook, same old Prak....

An encounter with a beautiful stranger....

Here I am, sitting in the Common Room of NS Recce Wing. "Fortnight of Hell" effectively ended this morning when I finished Guard duty. A sigh of relief as I approach the final bridge towards ORD. The final 2 weeks before clearing leave.

Thursday started with me performing a good deed. Hah! I always take the train from Hougang NEL station. As I sat in the train, a pretty indian nurse (probably from SGH, judging by the white and blue uniform) sat opposite me. Nothing much happened during the journey towards Outram station. A couple of glances between 2 sleep starved people.

However, I realised that she was still sleeping when the train finally reached Outram. After some deliberation, i woke her up and the both of us managed to get off before the door closed on us. She said thanks and i said it was ok.

Somehow the incident has left me wondering about her and whether I will see her again? Logic told me that although that she gets on the train with me at the same station, its highly unlikely that i might meet up with her again. Besides, in a week's time, I won't even be taking the train at all.

However, I don't know what's it about her but she has left an impression on me. She was sweet. And she was even nice enough to say thank you... Maybe its the loneliness inside me yearning for the OTHER half that is bugging me about the whole incident. Just goes to show that i am imperfect in life in this manner. I guess self-realization has hit me hard enough to wonder how long am I going to be suspended in this limbo where reprieve has to come in the form of a woman.

I feel like Linus Larraby, Harrison Ford's character in SABRINA. That despite having every luxury in life (Riches, a mansion, a very sucessful business and the ability to have anything in life) he still needed to be saved by a simple girl. Sabrina the Fair... And he will abandon everything to live with her in Paris. The movie will always be one of my favourites....

Goes to show that some things are more important than many others. Especially Love. And all this revelations I get from an encounter with a beautiful stranger....

For all I know, this encounter may just be another passing moment in life. A moment I might forget when time goes by. But until then, it will stay fresh in my mind and give me hope for the future ahead of me....

That time of the month

Days to Payday: 1 week

Money Left: $10

I guess things cannot get any worse. It just so happens that this time its worse. But I am not too bothered about it. "Fortnight of Hell" is almost over. 1 more guard duty to go. Manchester United won the FA Cup Final.

Life is still the same as well. My mum still nags at me about housekeeping. Ling is still her elusive self. Faiz is still his dorky self. Shermann is still alive (damn!) And the rest are there where they are supposed to be. Could not ask for more!

Maybe i do have a few complaints. All the TV shows that i watch off the Net have ended. Angel Series ended for good. Star Trek Enterprise ended its season a week ago. And the next season of The O.C. will only come in this coming October. I have practically nothing to download to watch. Maybe i should follow shermann and start downloading Blackadder to watch. I have never really watched blackadder save a few episodes.

Back to the issue of money. Money... yes it makes the world go round. Everytime i go shopping i see stuff i want to get. My Star Wars New Jedi Order series is at a standstill at "Destiny's Way". Not to mention the Millenium Falcon model at Clarke Quay. And the Adidas sneakers that Ben Stiller wore in the movie "Starsky and Hutch".

But I guess I got to be happy with what i have got. And make slow and steady plans about what stuff i want to get and when I want to get them. It will be slow but hey money don't grow on trees. Besides, it will be a challenge. Life aint sweet without challenges.

I wrote an email to Bia. I was wondering how she was doing. She has been awfully quiet. Then again she always was. Been telling me how stressful the Engineering course in Brazil is. Well at least she got into the university she wanted to go into. I hope she does well. And perhaps at least find the time to reply to me. Been a couple of months since i heard from her.

And now on Vesak Day I shalt make my stand. With 10 bux in my hand and a sackload of smiles, i will bash my way through to payday. Can't wait though! Hahaha! It's that time of the month alright!